Since starting counseling about 6 months ago I have actually really started to enjoy it, I can now start to acknowledge when I have an anxiety attack, when I get triggered into just blacking out and blocking everything out. I know now that emotions need to be let in, even though I do still find it hard to actually feel them. Yes, Anger is one of those, and it is one that should be evaluated with caution.
I know some people have said in the past that they wish I didn't speak my truth on here and wouldn't talk about personal matters, however, at the end of the day we all have free speech and this is my outlet. This is MY platform and if you give me false hope with hollow promises then I am not sorry to say but you will have dug yourself a little hole allowing me to place a fence... It is then down to you as the individual to take the fence and either get angry or actually realise your errors.
At the end of the day, I am tired and bored of being the bigger person, I am done with holding everyone else up and taking everyone else's shit. Why I sit back and submit to others opinions and views is beyond me, just to have an easier life? Well, I am done. I have been working on myself for a long time now, it is still a struggle at times and trying to be the bigger person on top of that just weighs me down. So enough is enough, you keep your crap and I will keep mine.
I had been doing pretty well recently, with no setbacks and pretty darn happy to be fair. A few weeks back, however, a couple of things started to set me off in my personal life and I won't mention names for I know that it will upset them and I respect that.
All it seems to take is this one person to make me switch back to my teenage self and go back in on myself, start questioning my own judgment and start getting all anxious. Being told that certain friends have ulterior motives because they are male and that you are repeating things that they have done??? It is almost an insult to me as a grown woman because let me tell you I am NOT YOU!
I can now recognise that sometimes when I get very angry I get into a very weird headspace, one where I just want to cut people out. Where I don't see any way forward, because time and time again I have been let down and there has been no proof that this time will be any different. Yet I am left wondering why I am surprised? So I take time.. time to cool down and process it all. After all, you don't want to be saying anything you might regret at a later date.
Always be kind, you never know what personal battle people are fighting.
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