Dealing with an Abusive Partner

This post is possibly one of the hardest things I will ever write and I am positive I will get some backlash from said person when he finds out about this, but I am done being scared and it's time I found my voice again.

Firstly I would just like to clarify that I am by no means a professional and am only speaking from my past experience in the hopes of helping other people that may be stuck in the same situation as I was.

Secondly if you are offended by reading this then just look at it from the abused parties point of view and not in the view of someone reading this thinking she is just mad about her breakup, this is not a slagging match, I just hope that this may help give at least one person the strength to leave their current situation should they feel they are in an abusive one.

Although I may be free from the actual situation, the actions and resultant memories still haunt me and will probably continue to haunt me for the rest of my life. I would also like to apologise to my friends and family for not telling you everything about this time of my life and thank them for standing by me even when I drifted away. I also lost someone very special to me, someone I 
love and will always love, through not realising the situation I was in; this is something that I will regret for the rest of my life and I have no one to blame but myself.

Even writing this now I find myself trying to justify his behaviour and have to stop and realise what he did was wrong and not at all my fault.

I have been very careful to not call Abusers male, because I do believe that anyone can be an Abuser and that anyone can be a victim.

What is Emotional Abuse?

There are many different types of abuse and not all of them are physical. 

Emotional abuse can be extremely hard to identify and see, especially when you are in the situation yourself. It is now a criminal offence to be domestically abusive. 

In simple terms it is when your partner will use words and actions to demean, bully or belittle you and can also use this as a way of controlling you.  This will in many cases mean that you will change your behaviour because you’re afraid of how your partner may react, so you do your best to abide by their “rules” in order to avoid outbursts.

Many people find themselves questioning what they have done wrong to be awarded with this kind of behaviour, and up just thinking that it is your fault.

My Experience in an Abusive Relationship

Although I will not be able to tell you my whole story, I will do my best to remember what I can and only put in what is relevant. For reference purposes I will call my abuser, Dick, hopefully it will add a little comedy to an otherwise dark post. 

I am not entirely sure when it all started but I started to notice a difference in myself after about 4 months of being with Dick and moving in with him. I noticed that I was getting increasingly insecure and jealous, I started to drift away from some of my closest friends and family and became very reclusive. Dick managed to make me and my best friend Suzanne fall out completely for about 10 months and I missed a massive part of her and her husbands life which I will never forgive. 

I started to change my appearance to suit what Dick said he desired and started to go to the gym a lot more to keep him happy. 

These events at the time didn't seem to be strange to myself, however my friends and family had started to notice which only made me more adamant that there was nothing wrong. 

Dick began to question my every move and would get very worried if I didn't reply to him within 20 minutes or so, I had it driven into me that I was to tell him about every aspect of my day and who I was with. 

I work in a male dominated industry and he made it very hard for me to be comfortable at work constantly worrying about if someone saw me and what they may say to Dick for him to then accuse me of something. 

The way that abusers work is to slowly work their way into your mind and warp it so that you are under their control. It is done in such a subtle way that it can be extremely hard to spot. 

They say things like "you don't like to drive, do you" which then makes you think hmm perhaps I don't so he can drive everywhere. Even though it is your car and you don't mind driving! Dick managed to take control of my car and never paid a penny towards petrol. 

Other subtle ways of manipulation is to convince you that what they are saying is the right thing and you should be doing as they say. This is more commonly known by professionals as conditioning.

A good example of this would be from early on in my relationship, I crashed my car and my nan kindly gave me enough money to buy another car, a cheap Citroen Saxo, as it is essential for my Job. The Citroen slowly became a hazard to drive, which meant that Dick took control and said we needed to get another car and that we could afford to pay back a set amount each month back to my credit card. 

Long story short, we bought a BMW on my credit card and he didn't pay any back anything towards it, he took control of the car and basically called it his and even gave me the crap key. So after a few months it transpired that Dick wanted another mode of transport as it was difficult two people using the car and I also wanted a smaller car. 

So we traded in the BMW and I made a loss of £600 by getting a lesser car (Renault Clio), he then managed to convince me that I should give him some money from the car sale as it was half his... When he found a Bike he wanted I put it on my credit card again to keep him happy (as that is what he said would make everything better). Dick said he would pay me back the money, but obviously minus half the car! So by this point I was roughly out of pocket by £950. 

Even after we split he did carry on paying me £50 a month. 

The very last time we got back together, Dick had an accident on his bike which meant he got a massive payout from the insurance company. At this point I should have said can you pay off the rest of the money you owe me, but no he managed to wriggle out of it by stating he needed a car. So he splashed all the money within a matter of days. Dick then manipulated me into agreeing that he only needed to pay one last final payment of £50 even though he still owed £200, all because I earn more and he didn't have the bike anymore.

Another way in which Abusers manage to manipulate you is to turn the blame on you. When I decided to do this post I had a look on the Internet and read a couple of comments which rang true with me from other victims of abuse. 

This brings me to my next example, Dick went out drinking with his buddies a-lot and I sometimes went with him. Looking back and knowing some very recent events I am positive he wasn't faithful. 

One night I was out with Dick and his mates I am sure I saw him scouting the room, so I quietly confronted him about it. His reaction was to push me aggressively up against the bar and shout in my face, close enough that you can feel his breath. All his mates watched and did nothing. This turned into a massive argument and we went home early, I then spent the next few days in tears apologising and trying to do everything in my power to make it up to him. He had turned it all on me and convinced me it was all my fault.

There was also this one time at University, where I was in the Lab with my class and one guy started taking photos of me. I was very scared and was walked back to the train station with a friend and got the lecturer to sort it out. When I got home I spoke to Dick about it and his reaction was to ask me if I was standing provocatively? This is not a normal response a loving partner would give.

Dick never let me have access to his laptop, phone and facebook etc. but I had to give him free access to all of my stuff. This is another classic way of controlling you.

The tracking on my car was off and my Nan told me to go get it sorted out and that she will pay for it, seeing as I didn't have much money at the time. I let Dick know that Nan would pay for it and he just shouted at me, turning it into a massive one sided argument. He said that we didn't need her and that we could pay for it ourselves... meaning that I would have too. I went and had it done behind his back and that was possibly one of the worst moves I could have made, he just made things very difficult by not talking to me for a few days and treating me like I had majorly disrespected him. 

We regularly had massive rows, which would most commonly end with him shouting abuse at me calling me every name under the sun, punching holes in doors and throwing items across the room. I was always the one to apologise and made to accept and agree with his behaviour because he didn't mean it, it was all done in rage. 

I once bought Dick a new toothbrush and threw out his old one; when Dick came home I was confronted with anger at the fact that I had done this as he didn't need me to take control and get him a new one, which ended with him throwing it at me. 

NO! YOU SHOULD UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOUR AND TREATMENT. YOU MUST ALSO REALISE IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

Towards the end before the major break where I managed to move out, Dick thought it would be a good idea to get a dog. 

He mentioned out of nowhere that he has always wanted a dog and that we should get one, he spent a good few days trying to convince me that it will be a good idea. I tried my best and kept saying no, especially because we lived in a First Floor 1 bed maisonette flat. 

So after taking me to dinner, he suggested we go look at some puppies, that evening we went and look at a puppy and she was all on her own as her brothers had already been sold. I instantly fell in love with her and couldn't walk away, so we left to go get money for the deposit, which you guessed it came out of my account, in order for us to get her the next day.

Everything was fine and dandy for a few days, we even both took off a week each and spent a week at home with her individually. That didn't last very long before he started to get irate with her toilet habits (hello she's a puppy) and with me for not going to the gym anymore as I quit it for Harley (dog).

I remember the day I started to realise that I may need to escape from Dick was when Harley accidentally bit his toe when she was playing and he slapped her so hard she squealed and ran into the other room. I was reprimanded for going to her as she shouldn't have done it... Hello it wasn't on purpose. 

I also had to come up with the funds for her to be spayed and sold my push bike, Dick only gave me £10 towards a £280 operation. 

It got so bad that he threatened to kick her out and she couldn't live in the house anymore, and that he wished there was a way he could lose her. Funny how he was amendment he wanted a dog but then couldn't handle it, blaming it on me telling me how I had ruined having a dog for him.

Dick didn't like me going home at lunch times without his knowledge to walk Harley. Even if I was able to get off work early I had to tell him when I would be home all the time. You shouldn't ever have to tell your partner exactly where you are and when you will be home etc. If you both live there then you should be able to go home whenever you want, even unpronounced.

Abusers will always try to take control of your finances and will come up with any excuse to do so, such as "helping you out, because you can't do it yourself".

A prime example of this would be when Me and Dick spoke about getting a joint account to start saving. I was not living with him at this point and we discussed what we would do with the deposit money I'd get back, if I left where I was. I agreed to put about £400 of it into the joint account.
Now with all couples, you discuss what you would do should you decide to go your separate ways, and he said we would half it. My response was to ask why would you get half if you haven't put anything in? Dick explained that no matter what the other put in you half it because it is a joint account and that's just how it works, even though he wasn't going to put any in.

To me that doesn't seem right, I feel you should generally get back what you put in and half the rest, he wasn't happy with this so it led to a further argument. I am thankful to say that we never did open up a joint account. 

Harley definitely saved me, I think that is why she is so precious to be because had she not have come into my life I doubt I would have had the courage to leave. Although I do not recommend bringing another living thing into that situation, because although it worked out for me it could have very easily gone horribly wrong.

Why do we go back?

This is a very hard concept for many people to grasp and it makes it increasingly difficult to speak to your friends and family about the situation you're in. Outsiders will say that it is very easy to leave and that they wouldn't ever let anyone treat them that way, I used to be one of those people. After being in this situation, I now understand completely why victims either don't leave or go back. 

The biggest problem with this is that the abuser has spent so much time moulding you to be however they want, and have manipulated you into feeling like you cannot ever do better than them. You mind subconsciously gets used to the manipulation and control and therefore when you try to start a relationship with someone else it doesn't feel right or exciting. I know exciting is a strange word to use, but that is what you brain associates the behaviour with when you're away from it.   

The most common reason for going back is the promise that they will change, and no matter how much they say it, it will not happen, THEY CANNOT CHANGE THEIR WAYS.  

What to do if you think you're in an Abusive Relationship?

Firstly there is no easy quick answer or right answer for that matter. 

Dick and me went to counselling on our last try and that helped me to realise what he really was and that I needed to stay away. The counsellor helped me through this. So one method would be to go to counselling, either together or on your own, it is confidential so the Abuser need never know. 

Speak to your friends and family, don't let the Abuser seclude you. 

You can also speak to people in the following links:

This is Abuse and Refuge

It is not easy to get out of these situations and you need to accept that you will need external help to truly leave and escape for good.

Once you escape and have time to heal, you will find that you can be on your own and that you do not need them. You will find someone that will treat you right and make effort and won't make meaningless promises.

If anyone would like to speak to me then please just leave a comment below or head to my facebook or twitter page where you can message me privately.

UPDATE I recently found these pages when going through my paperwork, I had forgotten I had kept them to remind me what a fool I had been and what a cruel person he was. I cannot believe I felt I had to write these things to keep him happy, I cannot stress enough that is anyone makes you feel that you have to write anything or feel anything like this then please seek help.