Real Talk

With the recent oversharing of a certain video upload on Facebook highlighting the finer points of depression and the recent sad passing of the amazing Kate Spade, I felt I needed to speak out with some real talk. Although I may get some backlash, I honestly don't give a fuck.

Here's the thing social media makes the general population suddenly turn into good samaritans, the second someone goes missing, posts something a little sad or disturbing that appears to be a call for help. The whole nation jumps on the bandwagon and appears to become concerned.

Great, does it make you feel good about yourself? That you shared that post/ video? Does it make you feel like you helped to post a nice little comment saying that you or people are there for that person, talking about depression and the effects it has on that video? Yeah, bet it did for a few minutes..

Let me break it to you, it doesn't make a blind bit of difference to us, the people that have the depression and feel like we are alone in the world. Where were you before it got to the point that we were crying for help? Nowhere! Going about your own little life, not having a care in the world.

Here's another truth for you, even if you do get through to that person, if they do come off the edge and don't go through with ending it all, are you actually going to be there for them in the long haul? No! You may be there for a week or two at the most, but as soon as life starts to get busy or you see them start to look a little better and put their mask of happiness back on you will move on again.

I am not just on a random rant, this is genuinely how I feel. On a daily basis I apply a full face of makeup but what the world doesn't know is, that with that, I also apply my mask. The mask I wear, to appear to the outside world, that everything is fine and dandy. That I am good, I am ok, I am always cheery and happy. Why? Well, who wants to interact with a grumpy stoned faced person on a daily basis? Who actually wants the real answer to how are you? No one!

A recent facebook video highlighted some home truths that I am sure a lot of you didn't even take in, you're too busy being good samaritans. Do you take the time to pop round and see people that are on their own? Do you check up on them? Do you genuinely care how they are?

I may appear to have a few good friends, some family, but the truth is the only person that ever really takes the time to check up on me genuinely is my Nan. Yet she is getting to the point where she cannot pop round, age and all, so that's not her fault! If I didn't take the time to contact the other people in my life I doubt I would get much contact or any kind of genuine compassion. How do I know, I have trialed it. I decided once or twice to not make the effort, to not contact anyone, as I am always the one to do so, and after nearly a week and a half with literally no contact from anyone but my Nan; I had to contact someone otherwise I would have gone out of my mind. The reality of that hit me though, none of the people in my life actually truly give a flying fuck about me truly, if they did, then they would make more effort than they do.

I am sorry if you're reading this and you're hurt or don't think this applies to you, but I am tired, tired of trying all the time. I know people say if you don't like something make a change, well I am trying too. Going to meetup groups every other week, getting myself out there. But at the end of the day, I am still going home to an empty house every night, spending almost every weekend on my own, other than having the dog there I basically get no other interaction. Just take some time to think about that before you jump down my throat.

I know it is a horrible thing to say, but that is where my head is at, That is how I feel. No I am not suicidal, whilst I cannot deny it has crossed my mind in the past. I am not brave enough to do it and would leave behind such a mess, that it just wouldn't be worth it and to be honest I am too much of a fighter to give in like that.

That being said I can understand why some people go to that place, and to be quite frank if you're not willing to stick around for the long haul and support them before they get to that point why are you trying to change their mind then? Is it a guilty conscience?

Before you comment, please don't post any fake hope you're okay's, hope things get better, etc. because that is what I am trying to eliminate. If you're someone that has been here all along for me, just take some time to think, when was the last time you contacted me first? When was the last time you actually took the time to check in on me? If you don't know me then take the above and apply it to someone you think may be going through something similar...

Always be kind, you never know what personal battle people are fighting.